Instructions for Meditation

I'm not all about sarcasm, irony, and bashing, I also offer practical advice.

This is the first in a series of spiritual guidance.

Instructions for Meditation

Wear loose-fitting, comfortable clothing. Don’t wear any underwear that rides up your ass, otherwise you’ll be focused on thinking of your butt crack.

Try to eliminate any distractions. If you have pets, lock them in the bedroom. If you have children, you could also lock them in the bedroom unless you don’t want them making noise with the pets, in which case you could lock them in the basement. If necessary, wear earplugs to muffle their screams.

Find a comfortable place to sit. It’s best to sit in the lotus position. If you are a typical, uptight, obese American this may be difficult. If you cannot sit in the lotus position, sit in a kneeling position with your feet under your buttocks. If you are over 5’2” in height and this hurts your knees, then just sit “Indian style.” If you cannot sit “Indian style” then just sit in a chair for Christ’s sake.

Relax your concentration and allow your eyes to close halfway. Do not do this while driving, though. While driving your concentration should be on your cell phone and checking your hair in the rearview mirror.

Focus your mind on your breathing. Hear the nose hairs rustling. Hear the whistling noise that your nose hairs make. If the whistling noise is too much, and neighborhood dogs are scratching at your front door, trim your nose hair and start again from the beginning.

Concentrate on your breath. If your mind drifts to thoughts such as what to have for dinner, what an asshole your boss is, or what your next-door neighbor looks like naked, bring your attention back to your breath. There will be time to think about your next- door neighbor naked later, perhaps right before bed.

As you concentrate on your breath, keep your body perfectly still. Except for the breathing part. You should move your lungs for that part. Otherwise keep perfectly still. If you begin to drift and fall asleep, keep a baseball bat at your side to smack yourself awake, “Zen style.” If you are married, you could ask your spouse to hit you with the bat instead, which, interestingly, they are often glad to do.

After meditating for about 30 minutes, slowly uncross your legs. Savor the feeling of a million needles pricking you as the blood flows back into your veins. Unlock the pets and the children, not necessarily in that order, and go back to your hectic, breakdown-inducing life.

Try to meditate as often as possible, whenever the possibility arises. Such as slow times at work. Turning your back to your cubicle door and holding onto a binder gives the appearance of being deep in thought over work issues. Just be aware of the possibility of snoring. And your asshole boss catching you.

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