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This, not That

I went to a non-duality meeting the other day, and instead of talking about non-duality they were talking about pro wrestling.

“Hey!” I said, “this isn’t non-duality, I came here to talk about non-duality!”

“Oh,” one of them replied, “this isn’t non-duality? You want us to talk about that?”

“Yes, not this, that! Talk about that!” I insisted.

“We didn’t realize that this wasn’t that,” another of them asserted.

“Yes, it’s not this, it’s that other thing,” I corrected them, “stop talking about this rather than that.”

But then it dawned on me, if non-duality wasn’t 'this', but was rather 'that', then it wasn’t non-duality at all, instead it was duality.

“Hmmmm,” I wondered, “is it even possible to talk about non-duality? As soon as you open your lips to talk about ‘this’ as opposed to ‘that’ you’ve created duality.”

So now I attend a different non-duality meeting each week. Last week the non-duality meeting was about knitting, this week it’s about coin collecting.

I no longer bother with those silly non-duality non-duality meetings because it’s obvious that they’re talking about ‘that’ and not ‘this!’

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Who's On First?

Jerry Katz and Rick Archer, the non-dual comedy duo, were organizing an upcoming advaita forum. They were discussing the lineup of speakers, and the following discussion ensued:

JERRY: Who’s on first?

RICK: Nobody.

JERRY: No one’s on first?

RICK: No, nobody’s on first. No one’s on second.

JERRY: Wait, you said that nobody’s on first.

RICK: Right.

JERRY: Well, if nobody’s on first then no one will be giving a presention at the beginning?

RICK: No, no one will be giving the second presentation.

JERRY: Nobody is giving the second presentation either?

RICK: No, nobody is giving the first presentation. No one is giving the second presentation.

JERRY: If nobody is giving the first presentation, and no one is giving the second presentation either, then who is the third speaker?

RICK: Who cares.

JERRY: I do! That’s why I’m asking.

RICK: No, who cares is the third speaker.

JERRY: I do! If nobody is giving the first talk, and no one is on second, then somebody better be giving the third presentation!

RICK: No, somebody is at home.

JERRY: Who’s at home?

RICK: No, somebody’s at home. Who’s running the video camera.

JERRY: I don’t know.

RICK: He’s collecting the donations at the door.

JERRY: Who is?

RICK: I don’t know.

JERRY: You don’t know who’s collecting the donations at the door?

RICK: Yes, I do. I don’t know.

JERRY: You don't know or you do know?

RICK: I do know, I don't know.

JERRY: Ok, let me get this straight. Nobody is giving the first presentation.

RICK: Right.

JERRY: And no one is giving the second presentation.

RICK: Exactly.

JERRY: And you don't care who's giving the third presentation.

RICK: No, I do care. The third presentation is who cares.

JERRY: You just said that you did!

RICK: I do. Who cares.

JERRY: Allright, forget that. At least let's figure out who's collecting the donations at the door.

RICK: I already told you, I don't know.

JERRY: Well, let's get somebody on it right away!

RICK: Somebody's at home.

JERRY: Then no one can do it?

RICK: No, no one is giving the second presentation.

JERRY: You're telling me that nobody can collection donations?

RICK: No. Nobody is the first speaker.

JERRY: Who's going to collect donations!!??

RICK: Who's running the video camera.

JERRY: I don't know!

RICK: That's who's collecting donations at the door.

JERRY: Who is?

RICK: I don't know.

JERRY: Oh my God, I quit! I’m going to become a Scientologist. Less craziness!

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My new 2-man play: Fred Davis Calls The FBI To Report Stalking And Harassment

FRED DAVIS: Hello, FBI?

FBI: Yes, this is the FBI.

FRED DAVIS: I’d like to report stalking and harassment.

FBI: Ok, how are you being stalked and harassed?

FRED DAVIS: Someone is saying that I’m a convicted sex offender on the internet.

FBI: I see. So you aren’t and they’re lying about you then.

FRED DAVIS: No, I am.

FBI: You are?

FRED DAVIS: Yes, I am.

FBI: A convicted sex offender?

FRED DAVIS: Yes, a convicted sex offender.

FBI: Ok, so they’re telling the truth about you?

FRED DAVIS: Yes, they’re telling the truth about me.

FBI: But you’re being stalked and harassed from people telling the truth about you?

FRED DAVIS: Yes, I’d like them prosecuted please.

FBI: Telling the truth about someone isn’t exactly stalking and harassment.

FRED DAVIS: But they’re saying it all over the Facebook and on reviews for my books on Amazon.com!

FBI: They’re going onto you Facebook page and threatening you?

FRED DAVIS: No, I don’t have a Facebook page. I’m not allowed to have Facebook as a convicted sex offender.

FBI: Oh, right, I should have known that. So they’re threatening you on their own Facebook pages?

FRED DAVIS: Well, not really threatening, more like making fun of me.

FBI: Making fun of you?

FRED DAVIS: Yes, making fun of me. Nasty comments, humorous pictures, that kind of thing.

FBI: Ok, but are they telling people to go to your house and attack you, or anything like that?

FRED DAVIS: No, they’re making fun of me.

FBI: Ok, well, that’s not really against the law. If making fun of people on Facebook were a crime we’d have to build a hell of a lot of more prisons!

FRED DAVIS: But they’re stalking me!

FBI: So how are they stalking you? Are they following you around town? Parking in front of you house?

FRED DAVIS: No, internet stalking. They’re posting negative reviews of me on Amazon.com.

FBI: So they’re going into other people’s book reviews and pointing out that you’re a convicted sex offender?

FRED DAVIS: No, they’re going into my book reviews and pointing out that I’m a convicted sex offender.

FBI: What do you write books about?

FRED DAVIS: Spirituality, Enlightenment, Awakening, that kind of thing.

FBI: And you think they’re stalking you by writing negative reviews of your books on Amazon.com.

FRED DAVIS: Yes, exactly, could you arrest them please?

FBI: I’m sorry, sir, but if we arrested everyone who wrote a negative book review on Amazon.com we’d need even more prison cells than if we arrested everyone who made fun of someone on Facebook. For the people who write negative reviews of Stephen King books alone we need about 100 more prisons.

FRED DAVIS: But it’s not fair! They’re not supposed to use the information on the sex offender registry to harass and stalk me!

FBI: They’re posting your address and phone numbers and encouraging people to harass you?

FRED DAVIS: Well, no, not exactly…

FBI: They’re showing up at your house and physically confronting you?

FRED DAVIS: Well, no, not exactly…

FBI: Ok, sir, how about if you call the Facebook police or the Amazon.com secret service, they may be able to help you. Good day.

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Marketing the Intangible: The Story of Enlightenment and Marshmallows

What exactly is Enlightenment? (or “Awakening” which is a more popular term lately). Is it something objective, tangible, and measurable? Or is it a subjective state that can only be known through one’s direct experience?

Many people claim that they are seeking Enlightenment, and others have claimed that they’ve achieved it. Those who claimed to have achieved it often market their services, for a pretty penny, to share insights and/or techniques which can then spur Enlightenment in others. But if someone claims to be Enlightened (or Awakened) and to be able to provoke this in others, how do we know if these claims are true?

There is no universally agreed to definition of Enlightenment. Some may say that it’s a significant spiritual achievement only attained by the likes of the Buddha and unattainable for other mere mortals, at least in one lifetime. Others may define Enlightenment as something less lofty, e.g. an insight into one’s true nature or seeing through the lies of the mind.

Neither definition though is something that can be measured tangibly. How do we know exactly what the Buddha’s physical or spiritual state was? We can judge the wisdom of his words, and also praise the virtues of his actions, but have no way of knowing what lies beyond our own direct experiences of his words and actions. If a person claims to have had an insight into their true nature, or having seen through the lies of the mind, can this be measured for veracity? They could just be repeating words that they have heard others say, and even if some sort of insight was achieved is there a way to weigh or measure them?

About the only tangible measure we have of something which could be called Enlightenment is the recording of brain waves. In the following article: http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn20989-monkeys-meditate-for-marshmallows.html experiments were done with monkeys in which neurofeedback was used to train monkeys to reach what’s described as a “Zen-like meditative” state for the reward of a marshmallow. The monkeys were able to reach a very calm and peaceful state where the brain activity was diminished which was measured as being in a certain frequency range.

Of course this brings the idea of Enlightenment from the sacred to the profane; it’s no longer a spiritual pursuit but a material one. Yet if we are reluctant to relegate the spiritual attainment of Enlightenment to the scientific realm we are condemned to accept on faith someone’s claim of being spiritually advanced. If thoughts can’t be weighed or measured with a ruler, then we certaintly can’t make an objective evalulation of whether or not someone’s thoughts are superior to another’s.

I’m reminded of a video where Ken Wilber straps some electrodes to his head and demonstrates that he can reach a state of stopping or slowing his brain waves which is akin to Enlightenment, i.e. a state of “no mind.” My first reaction to the video was that it was simply a spiritual parlour trick. Of course it’s not clear from the video whether or not Ken was rewarded with a marshmallow.

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Satsangs Explained

The people harboring the “I need to attain Enlightenment to escape suffering” delusion seek help from the people harboring the “I’ve Awakened and attained Enlightenment” delusion. The people harboring the “I’ve Awakened and attained Enlightenment” delusion feel the desire to help those harboring the “I need to attain Enlightenment to escape suffering” delusion.

So they gather together and those harboring the “I’ve Awakened and attained Enlightenment” delusion sit in front of the people harboring the “I need to attain Enlightenment to escape suffering” delusion and the person sitting in front, the one harboring the “I’ve Awakened and attained Enlightenment” delusion, talks about how their delusion is superior to the delusion of the people harboring the “I need to attain Enlightenment to escape suffering” delusion.

Then the people sitting in the audience, the ones harboring the “I need to attain Enlightenment to escape suffering” delusion ask questions of those sitting in front, the ones harboring the “I’ve Awakened and attained Enlightenment” delusion, until they all come to an agreement on the most desirable delusion to harbor.

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Advaita (Non-Duality) for Neophytes and the Clueless

Group 1 (“do somethings”)

Premise: What you are is not the body and mind, but rather LOVE, or GOD, or AWARNESS, or THE INFINITE, or WHATEVAS.

Thesis: The mind is full of thoughts which are bogus, fantastical, bullshit, made-up stories, nonsense, delusory, festering, perverted, malignant, twisted, warped, fabricated, and illusory.

Conclusion: Become totally obsessed by the thoughts by staring at them, examining them, challenging them, questioning them, turning them around, finding their shadows, and generally resolving them until all of the nasty thoughts go away and are replaced by happy and fluffy thoughts of puppy dog kisses and unicorns dancing on rainbows. These people are notable for attending satsangs, silent retreats, intensives, and generally “doing something” as a practice. They are mocked by the “do nothings” (see below). People wishing to make some $eriou$ cash in the advaita scene are well advised to get a mailing list of these people.

Group 2 (“do nothings”)

Premise: What you are is not the body and mind, but rather AWARENESS, or CONSCIOUSNESS.

Thesis: The mind is full of thoughts which are bogus, fantastical, bullshit, made-up stories, nonsense, delusory, festering, perverted, malignant, twisted, warped, fabricated, and illusory.

Conclusion: Since you are not the thoughts, no worries, ignore them (or don’t) because you’re not in control anyway and can’t even if you want to (or don’t.) Anytime one of the "do somethings" (see above) points out your shadows and erroneous beliefs just respond " 'who' cares?" These people are known for pontificating and bloviating about the non-necessity of doing anything and mocking the “do somethings” (see above). These people are generally slackers in real life and don’t have much ambition. E.g., they won’t clean their homes unless guests are coming over.

The "do somethings" and "do nothings" are in perpetual war, and even though they treat their born-again Christian or fundamentalist Jewish family members, neighbors, and co-workers with respect and joviality, they treat each other with utter contempt and disgust, hurling such invectives as "woo woo new-ager!" and "neo advaitan!" at each other, as drool and spittle sprays from their mouths.

Getting in between the "do somethings" and "do nothings" as they brawl is about as smart as trying to breakup a pitbull fight; you'll end up bloodied and perhaps missing a few digits on a hand. Avoid at all costs.

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From my non-existent interview with Non-Duality magazine*:

NDM: Can you please tell me about your awakening, how and when this happened?

Braying Jack Cass: It was quite a shock. It happened very suddenly and unexpectedly, like that time I ate at the 1-star Indian restaurant in Tijuana, Mexico. When in Tijuana, stick with Mexican food, I say.

NDM: When you came to this Self realization, that you are "I Am", were you studying the Kaballah, or anything else like Vedanta, atma vichara, or Buddhism and so on?

Braying Jack Cass: I was studying Swahili at the time, actually. It’s been my dream since a child to go to Kenya and live amongst the goat herders. I haven’t gotten much past “Hamjambo” though, so it will probably take me a few more years to realize the fruition of my dreams.

NDM: Then when you finally realized that you are "only awareness". At this point what kind of a vasana load did you have?

Braying Jack Cass: Oh, I had a full load. Quite a load. A pants load.

NDM: Can you please explain the difference between sense of being awareness and finally only awareness?

Braying Jack Cass: I could, but I doubt that you’re intelligent enough to understand it, so what’s the point, really?

NDM: On page 16 of your book entitled, One. Essential Writings on Nonduality, Sri Ramana talks about the importance of vasana-kshya. The destruction of vasanas. Do you believe it is possible to be Self Realized, to be liberated, (moksha) without destroying these vasanas?

Braying Jack Cass: Vasanas are very fragile, like a Chinese vase. And I’m like a donkey in a China shop. So, many vasanas were destroyed in the process.

NDM: What would you say to someone who was saying they were liberated but were still acting out on their vasanas for violence, and saying they are not the doer/perpetrator. That it is God that is the doer/perpetrator of this violence?

Braying Jack Cass: I would say, “Wise up, stop acting like a schmuck.”

NDM: Ok, let me put it another way. Sri Ramana said: ‘For those who are very attached to their filthy bodies, all the study of Vedanta will be as useless as the swinging of the goat’s fleshy beard unless, with the aid of Divine Grace, their studies lead them to subdue their egos.’ Sri Adi Shankaracharya says: The first step to Liberation is the extreme aversion to all perishable things, then follow calmness, self-control, forbearance, and the utter relinquishment of all work enjoined in the Scriptures. Do you see it this way or is anyone fit for this, no matter how they behave or are acting out?

Braying Jack Cass: I really like that “goat’s fleshy beard" analogy. That’s pretty cool. He could have also said, “donkey’s filthy nutsack.” That would have been cool too.

NDM: Ok, as far as divine grace but how about being fit to practice atma vichara? Sri Adi Shankaracharya says: 69. The first step to Liberation is the extreme aversion to all perishable things, then follow calmness, self-control, forbearance, and the utter relinquishment of all work enjoined in the Scriptures. Sri Ramana Maharshi also says: ‘Only to such a mind which has gained the inner strength of one-pointedness, Self-enquiry will be successful. But a weak mind will be like wet wood put into the fire of jnana-vichara ‘If the aspirants have not one-pointed mind, which is possible for him who has pure mind full of sattva, dispassion, discrimination, etc., Self-enquiry is impossible.’

Braying Jack Cass: Stop the name dropping, please. What do YOU say?

NDM: What are your thoughts on neo advaita saying that there is No morality. No right or wrong. No meaning? Please See the interview with Suzanne Foxton.

Braying Jack Cass: I think that Suzanne Foxton is kind of cute. Is that immoral to say? I wish there were more cute, female non-dual gurus. Enough of these sweaty guys, with their scratchy beards, reeking of patchouli.

NDM: Yes, but Avadhuta Gita is also reading material meant for the use of advanced students.

Braying Jack Cass: True. One should only read the Avadhuta Gita after having read “I Am That” for the hundredth time. If the spine is still intact, you haven’t read it enough. One of the most spiritually-advanced people I’ve ever met had it held together by duct tape. Now that’s dedication!

NDM: The Ashtavakra Gita is also from the absolute level.

Braying Jack Cass: Yes, it absolutely is. Luckily, I only live half in the absolute. My left half. That’s why I lurch when I walk.

NDM: Yes on this absolute level there is no right or wrong. But what about on the relative level.

Braying Jack Cass: My relatives are absolutely wrong, at all times. A bunch of meat-eating Republicans. They think I’m some kind of freak. That’s actually the only thing they’re right about.

NDM: Dattatreya is considered by some to be the predecessor of the Aghori tradition. The tantric left hand path. Are you saying that neo- advaita is a new western left hand path of the Aghori? That Tony Parsons and Suzanne Foxton, Jeff Foster are some kind of neo advaitic tantric Aghori? Breaking all taboos and violating traditions?

Braying Jack Cass: Taboos, schmaboos. Ok, seriously, enough of this gibberish. I’m going to go for a walk in the woods…

*all of the Non-Duality Magazine questioins are real, I just substituted in my own answers

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Instructions for Meditation

I'm not all about sarcasm, irony, and bashing, I also offer practical advice.

This is the first in a series of spiritual guidance.

Instructions for Meditation

Wear loose-fitting, comfortable clothing. Don’t wear any underwear that rides up your ass, otherwise you’ll be focused on thinking of your butt crack.

Try to eliminate any distractions. If you have pets, lock them in the bedroom. If you have children, you could also lock them in the bedroom unless you don’t want them making noise with the pets, in which case you could lock them in the basement. If necessary, wear earplugs to muffle their screams.

Find a comfortable place to sit. It’s best to sit in the lotus position. If you are a typical, uptight, obese American this may be difficult. If you cannot sit in the lotus position, sit in a kneeling position with your feet under your buttocks. If you are over 5’2” in height and this hurts your knees, then just sit “Indian style.” If you cannot sit “Indian style” then just sit in a chair for Christ’s sake.

Relax your concentration and allow your eyes to close halfway. Do not do this while driving, though. While driving your concentration should be on your cell phone and checking your hair in the rearview mirror.

Focus your mind on your breathing. Hear the nose hairs rustling. Hear the whistling noise that your nose hairs make. If the whistling noise is too much, and neighborhood dogs are scratching at your front door, trim your nose hair and start again from the beginning.

Concentrate on your breath. If your mind drifts to thoughts such as what to have for dinner, what an asshole your boss is, or what your next-door neighbor looks like naked, bring your attention back to your breath. There will be time to think about your next- door neighbor naked later, perhaps right before bed.

As you concentrate on your breath, keep your body perfectly still. Except for the breathing part. You should move your lungs for that part. Otherwise keep perfectly still. If you begin to drift and fall asleep, keep a baseball bat at your side to smack yourself awake, “Zen style.” If you are married, you could ask your spouse to hit you with the bat instead, which, interestingly, they are often glad to do.

After meditating for about 30 minutes, slowly uncross your legs. Savor the feeling of a million needles pricking you as the blood flows back into your veins. Unlock the pets and the children, not necessarily in that order, and go back to your hectic, breakdown-inducing life.

Try to meditate as often as possible, whenever the possibility arises. Such as slow times at work. Turning your back to your cubicle door and holding onto a binder gives the appearance of being deep in thought over work issues. Just be aware of the possibility of snoring. And your asshole boss catching you.

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What Price A Lie?

In the beginning of the Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu famously said “The Tao that can be spoke of is not the true Tao.” A Zen saying states that “"If you open your mouth, you are wrong. If you give rise to a single thought, you are in error." More recently Nisargadatta Maharaj said “The moment you start talking you create a verbal universe, a universe of words, ideas, concepts and abstractions, interwoven and interdependent, most wonderfully generating, supporting and explaining each other and yet all without essence or substance, mere creations of the mind. Words create words, reality is silent.”

They all agree that the truth cannot be spoken and whatever is spoken becomes a concept, i.e. a lie.

The question then becomes, what price a lie?

Unfortunately, the papyrus scrolls that listed what Lao Tzu and the Buddha charged for weeklong retreats in Costa Rica and Skype sessions haven’t survived into modernity. We do have information on Nisargadatta though, and Timothy Conway, in the book Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj (Mahârâj, 1897-1981)—Life & Teachings of Bombay's Fiery Sage of Liberating Wisdom stated that ”Maharaj did not have to do this work, but spontaneously and most generously he did: letting folks invade his private space, which he had turned into a low-key, semi-public center for nondual awakening, therein to tirelessly teach, guide and awaken us with endless graciousness, never charging a single paisa (cent) for all his generous bounty. And he asked for no service or gifts from devotees.”

Those who support spiritual teachings will argue that while the words may not be the truth they are still “fingers pointing to the moon” which can guide seekers to the truth. They argue that teachings are expedient means which can bring the seeker to a satori, Awakening, or the big prize, full Enlightenment. The rationale is that listening to lies long enough will bring a person to the truth.

It appears that spiritual teachers of old were reticent to charge for their teachings. As we can see below, though, modern teachers aren’t reticent to even charge for their reticence; silent retreats also have a premium price.

Here is a list of some modern teachers and their rates for their lies:

Jeff Foster: A 5-day immersive retreat in Colorado in April of 2015 will cost you $495, not including room and board.

Bentinho Massaro: an upcoming 8-day retreat in Hawaii runs from $2,000-$3,000 depending on the level of lodging that you choose.

Mooji : A silent weeklong retreat in Portugal which includes the satsang fee and lodging is from a high of $1,196 to a low of $735 (camping with your own tent.)

Scott Kiloby: A weeklong retreat held in Jan-Feb 2014 was $1,395 not including room and board

Fred Davis: Skype sessions about $150 hour (per Fred’s note: If this feels like too much money, please don’t book a session.There are plenty of people online who will talk with you for less money. I charge per hour what my accountant charges me, which seems fair.) [Fred seems to be under the assumption that a self-proclaimed Awakened being with no training, education, or certification deserves to be paid the same as a professional accountant.]

The Tao that can’t be spoken of certainly demands a premium price these days. Those with a modicum of shame would be reluctant to charge hundreds and thousands of dollars to seekers of the truth, considering that all they have to offer is concepts.

Luckily for the modern seeker the modern spiritual guru has no such qualms.

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